Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure


Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do
not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next
to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this
should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of
the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has
to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the


Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a


Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.


Definition: A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.


Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.


Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


Definition: A phoney cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used
in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


Definition: A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a


Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.


Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in,
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Submitted by: anon
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