A few top tips

Fatties. Avoid eating between meals by simply allowing yourself 20 meals per day.

Adventurous lovers. Sprinkle talcum powder on each other's bums, then lie on the floor and fart up in the air to send each other sexy 'bum-smoke signals' across the bedroom.

Anglers. Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

King-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. Normal-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants. Fun-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.

People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a nameplaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

Find out how many of your cat's lives are remaining by hitting it repeatedly with a mallet. The number of strokes required to bring about its demise will correspond with the number of lives that remained.
Submitted by: calorman
Category: Essays and Articles
Current Rating: 4.0000
Not funny at all 0 1 2 3 4 5 Utterly hilarious