Barney, original

Once again, as a service to the readers of the Politics list, I submitted the following as an article in the Virtual World News (our very own Electronic Tabloid Paper, run by me.)

THE VIRTUAL WORLD NEWS
"Don't read anything else.
We really mean it."

TV STAR TEARFULLY ADMITS, "I WAS ABUSED AS A CHILD," FILES LAWSUIT

AGAINST HOLLYWOOD BIGWIGS FOR "EXPLOITATION"

The cushiony king of children's public television says his life hasn't been as soft as it may appear. Barney T. Dinosaur, in an emotional press conference last week, admitted that his upbringing at the hooves of other dinosaurs was a harrowing experience.

"Nobody liked me," the star said, as he filed a formal lawsuit against Steven Spielberg and various persons and institutions involved with the making of the film "Jurassic Park." The suit contends that Barney, as the last surviving member of the species is entitled to be compensated for the use of his family name (Barney's middle name, it appears, is "Tyrannosaurus"--"The" is just a stage name) and history. "For the hell I went through as a little-saur," Barney said, "I deserve every cent I can get. Even the bracheosaurs used to beat up on me."

According to the megastar dinosaur, he was considered an outcast in the rough-and-tumble prehistoric world because he was "different." His voice lost its usual enthusiasm as he remembered: "They were big and mean and tough. I was soft and weak--plush, even--and they hurt me for it. They hated me." A strange, unfamiliar glint came into the star's eyes. "But I outlasted them all, anyway. I showed them."

Scientists on the Virtual World News' permanent payroll claim that it was Barney's differences that saved his hide, when all the other dinosaurs disappeared. Though the cause of the extinction (now known to have been only a near-extinction) remains a mystery, it is now believed that giant space creatures may have descended in hunger--and eaten the dinosaurs. Barney, however, was unpalatable, being entirely too sweet for the extraterrestrial diners. In addition, having plush upholstery-type hide, rather than the normal dino-hide made him appear to the Visitors as somewhat similar to our "gumdrops"--which, of course, no one in their right mind would eat.

The makers of Jurassic Park, including Spielberg himself, are contesting Barney's claim to the name "Tyrannosaurus." "Don't be stupid," Spielberg reportedly responded. "I made up the name myself. It's all made up. It's all fantasy. Besides, Barney's just a sick little guy in a big purple suit. I've seen him on the Paramount lot. He's no creature. He's just creepy."

Other dinosaurs were extinct at press time, and unavailable for comment.

Submitted by: anon
Category: Essays and Articles
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