From Yuppie Executive to Redneck in 35 Steps!

Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream and hope that you might one day become a redneck?

Have you always wanted to be a Bubba and know the freedom of the redneck life, but didn't know how?

Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified executive image, just hollerin' to get out?

Well, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!


TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE? No! It's TRUE!


Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!


Now follow the 35 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our manual!


Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS.

Before you begin this exciting transformation, have a photograph taken of yourself as a yuppie executive. This is for comparison later!

Now, follow the instructions carefully:


1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex.

If you are not dressed like this, or the equivalent, stop NOW and continue when you are.

FIRST, untie and remove mirror-shined high powered executive shoes. Peel off fancy business socks.

DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional!

Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.

(Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)

2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.

3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail!

You will be tempted to put those fancy shoes back on - resist this! It will soon become natural. You will soon REFUSE to wear shoes - it sounds impossible, but it's true! Have courage! Persevere!

If you have trouble, don't hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you.

4) The following is guaranteed to help drag you off your corporate high horse in a hurry, and down into the redneck world! Trust us!

PROP BARE FEET ON POLISHED OFFICE DESK, WITH SOLES FACING OPEN OFFICE DOOR.

Yes, you read this correctly! It will be a challenge! But remember: the life of a Bubba is calling you!

Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office. (* Note: see item at bottom of page!)

5) Remove monogrammed cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on.

6) Use classy necktie to wipe nose.

7) Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.

8) Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on otherwise impeccable business suit.

9) Reach under suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms.

10) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on business suit. Discarded business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile cans on expensive office carpet.

11) Shout with laughter for no reason.

Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry!

12) Place tobacco in mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit. Brooks Brothers shoes may also serve as spittoon.

Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! Return to garbage can when finished! See Step #3.

13) Untie and remove dapper, natty silk necktie, unfasten and remove gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck pocket square from suit, unfasten tiepin, unbutton and pull out suspenders and slide Rolex off wrist. Drop ALL items in garbage can.

14) Strip off expensive tailored Italian business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can.

Note: Removal of hand-tailored business suit will be TRAUMATIC for the uppity upper class businessman you have been until now. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for shock to system.

15) Add briefcase, cell phone and day-timer to garbage can.

16) Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.

17) Cut up Ivy League degree, or equivalent. Also, destroy all evidence of professional accomplishments and success. You will NOT need them!

18) Put on overalls.

Walk around in them to get used to your new look.

19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk.

20) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.

21) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying prestigious white-collar job and stop working altogether.

Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.

22) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.

23) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.

24) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.

25) Bathe ONLY twice a week.

26) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all "NG" endings from words - "havin" instead of "having". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.

27) Sell Porsche.

28) Buy used pickup.

29) Sell condo.

30) Buy dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack.

31) Give or throw away all remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including Burberry tuxedo, overcoat and patent leather pumps worn to corporate black tie events. NOTHING can be retained.

32) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will NOT need money.

33) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.

34) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.

35) Have name changed legally from "Mark" or "Andrew" or "Kevin" to "Cletus" or "Bubba" or "Jed".

Now - have a photograph taken of yourself as a Bubba. Compare with earlier photograph! We are so sure you will be satisfied we will refund your money if you are not!

* Note: We pay for recruiting! Just contact us and we will help you transform ANOTHER corporate exec into a bona fide bubba! So when your former colleague with the Harvard MBA and the Hugo Boss three piece suit is mocking you as you go through your transformation, just imagine him stepping out of his gleaming Guccis, dumping his Mercedes, trashing his suit and joining you in the Bubba brotherhood!

Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming!

Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you "sir" again!

Submitted by: nght
Category: Essays and Articles
Current Rating: 5.0000
Not funny at all 0 1 2 3 4 5 Utterly hilarious