Bad Opening Lines for Novells

 1)  Sex with Isaac had been like an experiment wherein she had accidentally mixed ammonia and bleach, burned her eyebrows off, lost all sense of smell for weeks, and never saw the family cat again.
 2)  McMurphy hit the pavement running like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
 3)  Had she known Duncan was a psychopath who would seduce, then brutally murder her, she wouldn't have bought that screwdriver.
 4)  Ralph looked over at the rumpled form of Lila sleeping next to him in bed and wondered idly why making love with her made him feel as though his body had been pounded by heavy surf.  5)  In these uncertain times, one must think of others' viewpoints, and always remember that a crowded elevator smells different to a midget.
 6)  The scent of sweat from the horse's buttock wafted into his left nostril, past the fine cilia of his nose, through the nasal cavity and into the dark damp depths of his single emphysemic lung.
 7)  Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.
 8)  The potted palm made a feeble attempt at photosynthesis with the naked 25 watt bulb that hung from the cracked plaster of my low-rent office on a less-than-desirable (unless you were vermin) stretch of Pico.
 9)  He wanted to hold her forever, but he knew evntually that he'd have to take a whizz.
 10)  Her breasts were like ripe strawberries, but much bigger, a completely different colour, not as bumpy, and without the little green things on top.
 11)  The sun rose over the horizon like a great big radioactive baby's head,
 12)  He slumped wearily onto the couch like a sack of shit slung over the shoulder of a warehouse worker.
 13)  I'm sorry but you still have 873 pages to go.
 14)  He snapped my bra like a Concord taking off, and I was unhooked for love.
 15)  The alien was eager to ravage her, unlike Ted, who wanted to take it slow, having come of the heels of a nasty divorce.
 16)  Lidie Meaks was a medium-sized, elegant figure, wearing a neatly fitted travelling dress of black alpaca, her raven black hair, copious both in length and volume and figured like a deep river rippled by the wind was parted in the centre and combed smoothly down, ornamenting her pink temples with a flowing tracery that passed round to its modillion windings on a graceful time. 
 17)  The sea raged, the wind howled, and the sand was just plain irritated.  18)  We stumbled numbly, dragging behind us the frozen dead corpse of our friend, Bartholomew, whom the hardened permafrost of the tundra had resisted our burying.   19)  If it weren't for the knee-high sewage lapping at his dress pants and the confused terrorist spraying automatic gunfire over his head, Johnson could see little reason to change his mind about the wisdom of registering at a two-star hotel.
 20)  The Prince stood, wondering how her supple lips would feel against his own and contemplated how bad Sleeping Beauty's morning breath would be after one hundred years.
 21)  The butler did it. Sorry!! I've given the ending away - I couldn't help myself.
 22)  The thunder sounded like a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage
 23)  Thockmorton knew if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.
 24)  The newest Lady Turnpot descended, her creamy bosom rising and falling like a temperamental souffle.  25)  The sun rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day..
 26)  She gratefully popped the glass orb back in place with a soft sucking sound.
 27)  The moment he laid eyes on inmate #472825994, he became a prisoner of love.
 28)  As the blue screen froze, Capt Kirk vowed never to use a Microsoft system again.
 29)  The blood dripped from his nose like hot grease from a roasting bratwurst pierced with a fork, except that grease isn't red and the blood wasn't that hot and it wasn't a fork that poked him in the nose. 
 30)  This is a story of twin Siamese kittens, or, more specifically, of their shared appendage; it is a tail of two kitties.
 31)  It was a dark night on Pluto, a planet nobody had ever taken seriously before.
 33)  As she pulled Chloe's unmistakable prosthetic arm from under the bed, she knew she'd been played for a fool.
 34)  Grandpa was belly down in the meadow , taking a close-up of a cow-pie, when lightning struck.
 35)  The corpse had been shredded, as usual, with coffee beans to throw off the police dogs.
 36)  Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle compressed by a Thigh Master
 37)  I'd always wondered what it was like to wake up naked in a dumpster...
 38)  The chubby-faced cherub of a niece was stopped abruptly, like a pancake, by the sliding door she had failed to notice, and slid to the floor in a motionless heap.
 39)  Hoping his lunch hour would provide time for a romp and a digestive biscuit...
 40)  His thoughts, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer,
 41)  My underwear stuck to my backside like an All-Pro cornerback to a rookie wide receiver as I browsed through the seed catalog that had mistakenly found its way into my mailbox." 
 42)  Her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps, she was driven -fueled by a single accelerant-  the man, Alf Romeo.
 43)  To escape the grizzly, all Gordon had to do was outdistance his chubby hiking partner, Fred. 
 44)  'Time to leave the Fluffy Forest,' said Susan, as she was smashed on crack.
 45)  On reflection, Angela perceived that her relationship with Tom had always been rocky like the way a squashed toilet roll that goes bumpity bumpity in it's holder,
 46)  Mud squished up between the toes like cappuccino-colored bog-ooze ..
 47)  They embraced each other as tightly as  two-flavor entwined string cheese, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white, Mozzarella.
 48)  Her mouth was set with pearls adorned with elastic rubies and tuned with minstrel lays, while her bulbous nose gracefully concealed its umbrage, and her eyes imparted a cross-eyed, but radiant glow to the azure of the sky
 49)  As she gingerly reached for the constipated gorilla's suppository..
 50)  Nicolette let the silk blouse fall from her shoulders, wrapped her left leg around John and deftly cut some cheese.
 51)  He smelled of pork. Rotting pork, in fact, and lots of it.
 52)  This time he was prepared for the alien probe, having just finished a seventh bean burrito, a case of Bud, and four packs of Pop Rocks
 53)  The graphic crime-scene photo was not pretty, mainly beause of the shutter speed,
 54)  Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably - the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career.
 55)  Lashed with duct tape to the side of his stolen hovercraft, her head lolling in the breeze...
 57)  He fell off the wagon like a frozen turkey from a Goodwill Helicopter.  58)  No one knew of Alicia's troubles, because they'd learned to tune her out. 
 59)  Colin slammed the spritely Vauxhall Vixen into a lower gear as he screamed through the roundabout heading toward the familiar pink rowhouse in Puking-On-The-Wold.
 60)  And so rosy-fingered Dawn awakened him, first with light counterclockwise strokes, then with gentle kneading, and finally with relentless ticklings that made him rue ever buying her finger paint.
 61)  Borson crushed a Coke can powerfully with one hand and turned slowly to face the source of the ridicule.
 62)  He blasted the creature from Xilth, as one pops the head off a zit, except of on a much larger scale.  63)  "Forgetttabowwwtit" intoned Arnold gutturally, 
 64)  Olive was waiting on the couch, with only a smile and a cucumber sandwich.
 65)  "Wear something uncomplicated-I'm in no mood for a struggle tonight,"he drawled.
 66)  Though flanked by two swarthy state troopers, Paula found her gaze drawn to the chubby saxophonist.
 67)  Along greasy, paving-stones slick from the sputum of the sky, he wearily trudged up the hill from the cemetery where his wife, sister, brother, and three children were all buried, blissfully unaware of the catastrophe that was soon to devastate his life
Submitted by: anon
Category: Lists
Current Rating: 5.0000
Not funny at all 0 1 2 3 4 5 Utterly hilarious